Meow Mix or Dick Van Patten Food?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


So my crazy owner hung around the house all day, going down stairs with the stuff she wears and the couch wears and bringing it back to the apartment SOAKING WET. Why do humans do that?
I mean, they have no fur, so they make fake fur that has no hair. Then they soak it in water, hang it up in the doorways, and put it away. Why the hell do they need so much of it? My owner has so much crap in her closet sometimes I can't find a place to sit with my legs in the air in there.

Crazy woman, it gets hot!!

After the soaking, she washed every dish in the house. She made a giant pile of dishes that was teetering and tottering. It was a water-based activity, so I was not exactly interested.

So then that bitch LEFT. Poured me some dry kibble and left for like five hours. So I curled up and got my snooze on.

I was dreaming that she got a giant fish tank and put it on the floor so that I could "go fishing," and I heard a B-A-N to the G.

Broken. Water. Holders.

I don't wash dishes, but I could tell that was going to happen. But bother to suggest it? I only have time to suggest cat pan changes!

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Then she goes and drives and drive and drives. It's quite dark because she put my torture rolling barf machine rider under a million other things that she really never fucking uses. She stops like a million times and each time I go "PLOP" against the side of the rider. I hate it. It's this stupid plastic thing with bars. Like I deserve to be in jail for sitting in the kitty killer room under a holey litter box. What a bitch!!

Then she parks the car in this grubby garage. It's a million times grubbier than Gramma's garage, but with less of Mommie, I mean, BITCH's stuff. Then she takes me up like a million stairs. I ALREADY DID THIS at HOME BITCH!!! You could've left me happily there, Bitchy Mc Bitcherpants!

So then she opens the door and all our stuff is in boxes in this new really big room. Is this how we're going to live from now on? Oh my!! Where will I air out my ball stubs will all these boxes?? I have to start running from my toilet to the window now, because it's really important that Bitchy O'Bitcherbitch does not sleep right now.

Chooo! It's dusty!

Monday, November 22, 2010

New *@($&*$ House, Part II

So I run and that bitch doesn't even notice. She's got too many torture implements to deal with and keeps shoving them into her rolling barfmaker machine. I am not getting in the rolling barfmaker. There isn't even room for my torture box anymore. So she comes out and I'm not there. See if you like that, crazy lady!

As I hear her call my name, quietly like she cares if she wakes up the neighbors, but really, I know she doesn't. Stupid self-preserving whore!! And I steal down to the last floor I can go on, the one with the oscillating cat killing fryer where humans sometimes put their clothes.

Not that I like hanging out with a cat fryer, but fuck, I 'm not really sure how to go anywhere but down. It's not like she lets me explore this territory very often. Big fat Beeeeyotch!

Suddenly I stop hearing her call me. She goes out to the car. OH POO! She's definitely taken the food. I shiver. And hide under a plastic overturned litterbox with holes on the sides. THIS would be big enough, but what's with the holes on the sides? How does the shit stay in? And how come I'm the only cat in this shitty apartment?

While I ponder stupid human tricks, I feel a hand grab the back of my neck. As she picks me up, I dig in the flesh of her arms and shoulders and make what I pray are scary noises. Serves that bitch right. I'm being carried to the rolling barfmachine.

Friday, November 19, 2010

That bitch brought me to a new house with no friends!

Not only is my bitch never home.

Not only does my bitch forget the soft food 40% of the time.

Not only does my bitch buy me a litter box that is too small for my 19 pound ass.

One day, my sister leaves the house. I'm like, fine. I must be going on vacation, too in a couple of days. OOOOOH no. I thought it was odd that Bitch and Auntie were taking photos of us together and cooing about how cute we were. But that just meant they must have been doing some joint roommate holiday cards. Odd, they're not lesbians. But it could happen.

So then she doesn't come back, but people keep slowly taking all the stuff out. ALL OF IT. They took the couch- where'm I gonna nap? They took the dishes. Where am I gonna eat? They took Auntie's bed- WTF WHERE AM I GOING TO NAP??? REALLY!!!

Then Mommie, I mean Bitch, slept on a blanket downstairs. And then spent the entire next day cleaning. SHE even wet all the carpet. I know she did that just to piss me off. Why else would you wet perfectly good carpet with a LOUD MACHINE TO BOOT? About 4 am, she wanted me to get in the torture box. Have I not had enough trauma, YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME IN A BOX, TOO? Whore.

So I run. And sit at the top of the stairs and stare at her. OOOOOH, she has a lot of stuff to carry and she doesn't have any help. I can't help her. HA!! She feels the burn of my big, yellow firelike eyes. Bad lady. She goes back inside to get more torture implements.

What else can a cat do at a time like this? Of course. Make a break for it!!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Dear Census People,

I recently got my census form for Census 2010.  I am confused. 

Why do you leave space for up to ten feeders, but leave no space to count the real rulers of the world, the cats?  I can only think of one word, and that is BullShit!  Buuuuuuuuuul Shit!  

People think that they run everything, but really, they are pretty inconsequential.  I only really need people at 6:30 am and 10 pm, which is not coincidentally, when I am hungry/need love/like to yell and wake up my human.  All this counting for schools and hospitals is crap- if you stay in your territory and don't let anyone box you up, you don't have to worry about going anywhere.

Ooops, a butterfly.  Lie in the sun!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

SYM (Single Yellow Male) Still Has Needs Despite Neutering

Single possible Maine Coon Cat seeks female who does not mind being mounted without any actual action.  Come on, ladies, do you really want cat penis spines hooking into your flesh?   

Since my destructive neutering experiment, where I was left to scream all day at those servants in funny shirts while my bitch of an owner disappeared,  there are few twinges in that special area. But I still like to capture females and do pushups on their back.  My sister is not into this; for some reason, she thinks it's not appropriate because we live in the same house.   So I'm looking for a friend who will come over and let me be in charge.  Let me put my paws between your shoulder blades and push you into the carpet.  Then I will look around the room in victory.    

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Do We Really Have to Go On Long Car Rides Haiku

Car ride is no fun
You open the carrier
I could care less, bitch

I sit, sit, sit sit
You stop, buy food and gas- yum!
I shit, shit, shit, shit.

Meow! Two minutes.
Meow! Four Minutes. Meow!
Do you think I'll stop?

Why do you yell when
I sit on your lap just cuz
You grip some circle

No, I won't get back
in the box you soul crusher
You won't open it soon